captioning sponsored by comedy central ♪ >> i think i can get america back for those who want to change this country.

>> stephen: welcome to florida, everybody. thank you so much. thank you. thank you, everybody. thank you. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. i have to tell you, being away from you folks for more than a week is just too much. i was getting the shakes. folk, thank you so much for joining us tonight for the historic second first night of the republican national convention. in tampa, florida. it is the super bowl of events that have way fewer black people.

now, you weather heads out there, all know the start of the convention was delayed by hurricane isaac, which is scheduled to make landfall on the seventh anniversary of hurricane katrina, the seventh anniversary, of course, is the flying debris anniversary. and, folks, if you asked me, and by tuning in legally, you have, the timing of this hurricane seems kind of suspicious. you see, thanks to televangelist pat robertson and jon hague agree, we know bad weather's is god's punishment foreman's failing, homosexuals, tornados are caused by al duller thars and hail is caused by people who snack from the bulk bin without paying, ouch. and one dried mango, who can it hurt, you think. here is how it works, hurricanes form from rising moisture

creating by hot steamy man action aboard a gay caribbean cruise, now when that sin gets high enough, it makes the angels cry and those tears fall to the earth in the form of massive precipitation, because homosexuals are a biopart of the water cycle, that's why the gay symbol is a rainbow. so -- [ applause ] >> that's how it works. so clearly, the liberal gays out there planned the storm by gaying it up extra hard some place, because there is no way god would punish the republican party. we know they are not gay. after all, they doth protest sod much and hurricane isaac has had devastating effects on this convention. >> a lot of changes here at the republican national convention, entire events have now been condensed into three days. >> stephen: florida's

governor's rick scott canceled his appearances here, alabama governor robert bentley canceled his appearances here and mississippi governor fill bryant has done the same. >> donald trump got bumped out of the sched he was going to speak on monday, now no longer appearing at all. >> stephen: no trump? >> folks, this is the biggest, classiest most dazzling disappointment i ever felt. >> i am like primo diamond encrusted sad, of course there is still going to be plenty of excitement this week because chris christie is giving the keynote, paul ryan will accept the vice presidential nomination and marco rubio will be hispanic. also, also, time permitting, mitt romney. and it is going to be equally thrilling here on the report because while i am not in tampa this week i will host the first ever colbert super pac convention, you know our motto,

making a better tomorrow, tomorrow. this is good. this will be a week long celebration of unlimited "money and politics". and we have got delegates here from all of the great states of money, cash, moolah. just getting my basic wet. >> get, just getting my beak wet. and a little something, something. you guys milk that one. of course, there is a lot to do down in tampa besides the convention. there is busch gardens. no, i meant, you know, bush gardens. >> the entertainment industry is welcoming the republican national convention to tampa. >> the city is money for its dozen of strip clubs, they expect brisk business from convention delegates. >> just tell it like it is.

i am going to take all their money. >> stephen: but don't worry, you folk at my convention aren't going to miss out on anything, because i have also hired a stripper. how are we doing, candy? >> great. stripping off just fine. paint is stripping off just fine. >> stephen: oh, i bet it is. yeah. expose that grain. and when you are done with that i need you to regrout my shower. you know what i mean. >> you mean you want me to work on your tiles. >> stephen: oh, yeah. i have got a real mildew problem. candy, everybody. candy. [ applause ] of course as with any convention security is a

major concern. so before you watch anymore of this program, be sure to get your all access convention pass at colbert nation.com. now to get the pass, you will just need to answer a slew of probing security questions like name party and favorite repetitive republican. is it chris christie, eric, erickson, tommy compton, hugh, hewitt or whitey white man. and then for the, then laminate it and you are ready to go and folks, rest assured the information you provide me is strictly private. it is just between me and a bulgarian herbal viagra spammer. remember, only colbert nation members wearing their proper credentials will be permitted to go to my convention. if you don't have one, please

turn the channel to that lifetime movie where the nanny shoves mom down the stairs. that was, happens all the time. now i will have full coverage of tonight's events tomorrow i tivoing it so no one tell me how christi does does on the uneven bars. it is going to be thrilling if you have a heart condition or are pregnant, you shouldn't watch not because of the excitement because probably you won't like the republican's position on healthcare and reproductive rights. we will be right back. [ male announcer ] while many automakers are just beginning

to dabble with the idea of hybrid technology, it's already engrained in our dna. during the golden opportunity sales event, get great values on some of our newest models. this is the pursuit of perfection.

>> stephen: thank you, everybody. thank you so much. welcome back to the show. hurricane isaac continues to bear down on the gulf coast, but it is not the only storm swirling around the republican party. while i was off last week, missouri republican senate candidate and cadaver haircut model todd akin got some unwanted attention when he weighed in on everyone's favorite lighthearted summertime topic, abortion for rape victims. jim -- >> if an abortion could be considered in the case of save a 2, tube balance pregnancy what about in the case of rape. >> first of all from what i understand from doctors that is really rare, if it is a legitimate rape, the female body

has ways to try to shut that whole thing down. >> stephen: now, it has caused some controversy but all he is saying is that there are an actual legitimate by the book sexual assault the -- and i don't want to use a testicle here, susie has a natural defense mechanism, the same way a doug dollar fir threatens its bark when attacked by a japanese pine beetle, so all akin is saying here is, you know, actually, i don't want to take credit for his favorite stand, let me put his face over mine for this. all he is saying is, the female body shuts that whole thing down to prevent a pregnancy during a legitimate rape, therefore, any woman who gets pregnant wasn't really raped.

thanks, jim. a straight shooter. of course, one or two, every woman in america got upset at akin's remarks and mitt romney himself has called for akin to leave the race, but one brave conservative out there is willing to stand behind akin. iowa congressman and noted corn packer steve king. >> akin is a strong christian man with a wonderful family. >> he supports that no taxpayer funding for abortion, it would ban federal funding of abortions except in cases of forcible rape, right now medicaid also covers abortions for vicks of statutory rape or incest. for example, a 12-year-old who gets pregnant, congressman keen says he is not aware of any victim like that. >> i just haven't heard of that being a circumstance that has

been brought to me in any personal way. >> stephen: yes, steve king hasn't heard of president george bush than cities among victims of statutory rape. i thought i did here it somewhere. where was that, jimmy? >> if there is a sexual predator out there who has impregnate add young girl, say, a 13-year-old girl, if that sexual predator could pick that girl off the playground at the middle school and haul her across the state line and force her to get an abortion to eradicate the evidence of his crime, and bring her back and drop her offer at the swing set and that is not get the law in the united states of america. >> stephen: oh, right. it was steve king, he said it but he didn't hear it. because your voice goes this way and your ears go all the way back here. you have to go, hey -- [ applause ]

>> stephen: anyway, akin is not dropping out of the race, and that is a bit of a wrinkle because romney already trailed obama among the ladies by 12 points. so clearly if republicans are going to attract the she voter they need to understand the female body a little bit better. >> well, i am here to help. jimmy. give me some learning about the ladies music. [ applause ] >> welcome. welcome. welcome, ladies and gentlemen. to the vagina itouch. actually you know, could we change that name to something a little more family friendly? that's better. welcome to the hoo-ha lady zone 5,000 where we report your z go decide. let's see how to get this started.

i can never, i can never remember how to get the lady zone started. push the button some place and i can never find it. do you like that in is that good? hold on one second. you like that? oh, yes. there you go. okay. okay. record time. okay. fellows, as you are considering legislating women's bodies here is what you need to know. first of all akin is clearly right, a woman's reproductive system clearly has built in defenses, notice that the uterus looks a lot like the -- shield. up here, up here, you have what are called the philippino tube, these are very small. now at the end, at the end of the tube right here, this is very important. this is where chewing gum ends

up if a woman swallows it, okay? it builds up, ladies, so be careful, okay? let's see. this area right here, i don't know what that is. it can't be that important. now. okay. now down at the entrance, down here, here there be dragons. okay? so be careful, guys. okay? well, republicans, that's all the information i have got. if you have any more questions, just stop by, just stop by one of tampa's famous strip clubs. if you tip well enough you might just get an anatomy lesson in the champagne room. we will be right back. d(eh ,x

introducing grey goose cherry noir ♪

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ what? it's a brand-new camry. i just bought this. really? i just thought i'd take a looka. sure, you can. this malibu eco features e-assist.

it offers an epa estimated 37 miles per gallon highway. this cannot be a brand-new car. what are you doing? i was looking for a cassette deck. [ male announcer ] visit your local chevy dealer today. now get a 2013 malibu eco for around $219 per month. so dude. what is this you're listening to? you need to pump up some jams. c'mon. it's friday. it's time to get this party started. sfx: the tag starts making techno beats with his mouth. wha, ow! mj in the housey-house! tags are annoying. so we got rid of them. new hanes tagless underwear. go tagless.

>> stephen: thank you very much. my guest tonight, is the editor of the daily beef, the dish, and a conservative who supports

barack obama. i'm sorry. i mean he is the conservative who supports barack obama. please welcome andrew sullivan! andrew, thanks so much for coming back. >> nice to see you. >> stephen: it is summer. it is fantastic. now, four years ago you were an early conservative to come out in favor of barack obama and say he is the guy. the guy you specifically said to lead us away from the sort of fights over the culture wars and vietnam. >> yes. >> stephen: you were wrong. >> yes. >> stephen: would you like to apologize for giving people a hope of change? >> no. i was only wrong in thinking that the republican party might just have the good grace and patriotism to actually cooperate with an incoming president. >> stephen: you were hoping -- you were hoping don't, don't cheer before i nail him.

>> you were hoping they would pussy out and say whatever you like, barack obama, do whatever you want and we will give up on our beliefs. >> i think when you just elected a president and in the worst depression since the 1930s you may get more than zero votes on the first sum stimulus package. they set out to destroy this guy from the get-go and that is why re-electing him is so important. >> stephen: okay. so you still support -- >> more now than in 2008. >> stephen: oh, really? why? >> because he didn't deliver and the parties are who worst than last time. >> stephen: they weren't the president. eight percent unemployment. >> yes. >> stephen: eight percent unemployment. don't apologize on behalf of the american people. >> most understand that recession began -- not during obama's presidency. if you look at japan and look at america -- other places in the world are worst than the united states and he has done better

than any other western country in the last two years, the last three years, and i also believe that obama is the only way we really will tackle the debt, and as a conservative i care about that. >> stephen: but the debt is $16 trillion. >> yes because you can't get revenues right now because there is no growth, because we are still recovering from recession. >> stephen: but he has strangling regulations. >> there is absolutely no evidence of anymore regulations. >> stephen: no, because he buried the evidence. he buried it. >> if you really want to cut the debt and you really want to do >> stephen: i really do. >> you have got to have cooperation between democrats and republicans, you have to have someone who is able to compromise and the one thing we know that romney and ryan won't do on anything is compromise. we have got to have some kind of deal between democrats, cut entitlements and for republicans to increase taxes and cutting definite. that's the only way to do it. >> stephen: cutting defense? >> a little bit more, yes. >> stephen: oh, really? okay. so turn the keys over to the terrorists. >> because --

>> stephen: one of the big parts that gets you invited to all of the best parties is that you are this conservative out there who seems to be like the reasonable one. you are not conservative. you are not. you have an english accent. >> that doesn't make you a conservative. by the way, do you and pierce morgan and sue barney get together, ever? >> no, we don't, actually we don't. >> stephen: what drives me crazy is you guys having an opinion about america. >> well i have a green card so -- (bleep). now, i love watching pierce morgan at home and making idle commentator about his brilliant insights. >> stephen: oh, he does? >> yes, he also remind one of what we call in britain a (bleep). >> stephen: okay.

okay. so let's fantasize here for a second. okay. you have got a second obama administration. >> yes. >> stephen: what da -- how do you get your beak wet on this one? what is in it for you, mr. sullivan? you are a gay guy, right? no offense. right? >> yes. >> stephen: he is pro gay marriage. >> yes. >> stephen: you can't be an impartial person on this one. you should recuse yourself from all opinions. right? isn't the gay community all in for him because he pandered -- >> no. >> stephen: he pandered obeying his conscience? >> a lot of gay people are -- not all. a lot are in because he actually is the most important president in the history of our civil rights, and i am grateful for that, and -- [ applause ] >> and i believe that allowing two men or women to marry is a conservative idea, it fosters responsibility, mutual care, all of those values that conservatives say they believe

in and i still believe in those values, and i don't believe in bigotry and fanatacism that has taken over this party and i hope that we might break that fever and bring conservativism back to the center, where we need it, we need it. >> stephen: all right. well, if the fever breaks please come back and we will take the temperature. >> absolutely. >> stephen: thank you so much, andrew sullivan. the dig at the daily beef. we will be right back.

>> stephen: see you tomorrow night!

>> a party, a candidate too successful for texas. a city too humid to breathe. from tampa florida, this is the republican national convention, the road to jeb bush, 2016. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you so much. welcome to the daily show. we are coming to you live from the straz center of the performing arts in familiar ba florida. my name is jon stewart, thank you very much. i a am i am not going to waste y of your time. we will get down to coverage of the republican national convention and start with oliver in the grant park area of tampa. >> thank you very much. >> jon, tropical storm isaac has passed, returning this city back to its